Новини освіти і науки:

G+

Тлумачний словник
Авто
Автоматизація
Архітектура
Астрономія
Аудит
Біологія
Будівництво
Бухгалтерія
Винахідництво
Виробництво
Військова справа
Генетика
Географія
Геологія
Господарство
Держава
Дім
Екологія
Економетрика
Економіка
Електроніка
Журналістика та ЗМІ
Зв'язок
Іноземні мови
Інформатика
Історія
Комп'ютери
Креслення
Кулінарія
Культура
Лексикологія
Література
Логіка
Маркетинг
Математика
Машинобудування
Медицина
Менеджмент
Метали і Зварювання
Механіка
Мистецтво
Музика
Населення
Освіта
Охорона безпеки життя
Охорона Праці
Педагогіка
Політика
Право
Програмування
Промисловість
Психологія
Радіо
Регилия
Соціологія
Спорт
Стандартизація
Технології
Торгівля
Туризм
Фізика
Фізіологія
Філософія
Фінанси
Хімія
Юриспунденкция

Bee Jokes for the Pollen in You)

Приложение

Caution may cause stress

- There's an old saying that cats have nine lives. Do any animals have more than that?

- Frogs – they croak every night.

Teacher: Sam, name the four seasons.

Sam: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.

One man defecates at the Westminster Bridge. A cop comes to him and says:

- Sir, you mustn't do that!

- Fuck you!!!

- Sir, but the law!..

- I fucked your law!!!

- Sir! But our Queen!..

- I fucked your queen!

- Indeed!???

- In bed!!!

- Oh, I’m sorry, Your Majesty...

To be, or not to be, - that is the fate...

Too beer, or not too beer - question of the time...

Two bee, or not two bee – don’t drink so much!

Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?
Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.

- Man: (To newsboy) Give me a Sun.
- Newsboy: Whaddya think I am, the stork?

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Patient: My leg hurts.
Doctor: Have you had this pain before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

10
Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Rob: The dog must enjoy that.
Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.

Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!

Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!

Mike: Call me a doctor!
Ike: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

- Where were you born?
- I was born in Oregon, but I went to school in Chicago.
- Gee-you had some way to go, didn't you?

- I used to pout and fret and curse the day I was born. Did you ever do that?
- No, I was three years old before I learned to swear.

- I wonder where he was born.
- He was born on a farm.
- On a farm? Any more in the litter?

- Born?
- Yes, sir.
- Where?
- Russia.
- What part?
- All of me.
- Why did you leave Russia?
- I couldn't bring it with me.
- Where were your forefathers born?
- I only got one father.
- Your business?
- Rotten.

- Where is Washington?
- He's dead.
- I mean the capital of the United States?
- They loaned it all to Europe.
- Now, do you promise to support the Constitution?
- Me? How can I? I've got a wife and six children to support.

- Where were you born?
- In a hospital.

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen and Lars to come and try to I.D. the body. Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and said "Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Olaf had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with the two assholes!"

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven.
"He is coming visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker".

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF!
The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now
have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want
a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous
love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to
me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other,
sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know,
you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied,
"How about a little head?"

I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, "What can
I get you folks?
The man said," I'll have a pint of best," and turned to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a pint as well" replied the ostrich.
The stranger looked at the cat and said, "I suppose you want a drink
too."
The cat responded, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says "That'll be four pounds forty, please."
The man reached into s pocket, felt around and, to both the landlord's and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. "I'll have a pint of best," said the man. "Same for me," piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. "Usual?" asked Seamus.
"Well", said the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turned to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird said, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat said, "I'll have a small scotch, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. "That'll be seven pounds ninety, please." To s amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.
As the trio was finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket... every time?"
"Well, it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
That's fantastic", said our host. "What did you wish for?"
"Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" observed Seamus, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in,
"One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there... We don't get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich..."
The man looked glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear".

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and then I sleep better at night."

One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs to take a bathroom break. The problem is that the confessional line is too long. In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor over and asks the janitor to take over for a few minutes.
"But I won't know what to say." exclaims the janitor.
"You've been to confession, so you know how it works. Besides there is a list of sins and penances taped inside the booth."
Priest leave to relieve himself and janitor hears the first sinner.
"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job."
The flustered janitor cannot find blow jobs, fellatio, or oral sex on the penance sheet.

Janitor motions over altar boy and asks, "What does Father generally give for a blow job?"

Altar boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke."

A fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in and sat next to him. After talking and having a few drinks together, the fellow says to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?"
"And what would that be?" answered the blond.
"We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you disappear."

- You know in the South they use "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.

- So is "All y'all's" plural possessive?

30!

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 - that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

35
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

36
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

37
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

38
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldn't get on the bed!"

40
Q: What did the bartender say to his customers?
A: Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!

41
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says, I don't mean to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their hands.

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought a mushroom was a place to neck?

43!

And then there was the Aggie who was having difficulty with a chemistry exam. When a definition of “nitrates” was called for, the baffled Aggie wrote: “Cheaper than day rates.”

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought Noel Coward was a man who was afraid of Christmas?

“Will you help me straighten up the house?” the Aggie’s wife asked him.

“Why?” replied the Aggie, “Is it tilted?”

46!

Did you hear about the two Aggies who were shooting craps?

They blew a hole in the toilet.

Did you hear about the Aggie who was so dump he thought a bar stool was something Davy Crockett stepped in?

Then there was the Aggie who thought logarithm was a birth control method for lumbermen.

The Aggie had filled out a job application blank and later was interviewed by the personnel manager.

Noticing that the applicant had omitted the year of his birth, the personnel manager said: “I see that your birthday is August 16. May I ask what year?”

“Every year,” the Aggie replied.

A well plastered Aggie was driving along merrily the wrong way down a one-way street, until stopped by a patrolman.

“Didn’t you see the arrows?” asked the cop.

“The arrows?” answered the inebriated Aggie. “I didn’t even see the Indians.”

Did you hear about the Aggie who worked at General Dynamics and thought tail assembly was the company picnic?

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought bacteria was the rear entrance to a café?

A friend heard a noise coming from an Aggie’s bedroom one night, and went in to investigate. He saw the Aggie pounding his fist into a pillow, and asked why he was doing that. “I can’t fall asleep,” the Aggie explained, “and I heard Dad say that he falls asleep as soon as he hits the pillow.”

“Take these pills two days running, then skip a day,” the doctor told the Aggie. “Follow this routine for two weeks, then report back to me.”

At the end of one week, the Aggie went back to the doctor. “I’m tired, doctor,” he complained. “That skipping wore me out.”

Did you hear about the Aggie who said he’d give his right arm to be ambidextrous?

An Aggie walked into a grocery store picking his nose. A clerk asked if he needed any help. “No,” the Aggie replied, “I think I can handle it by myself.”

The Aggie rushed home and gleefully announced to his wife: “Dear, now we don’t have to move to a more expensive apartment. The landlord has raised our rent.”

An Aggie was told to hijack a jet. So he brought back Joe Namath.

Two Aggies drove to a lumberyard. One stayed in the car, while the other went inside to buy some lumber.

“I want to order some 4*2’s,” he told the clerk.

“Don’t you mean 2*4’s?” the clerk asked.

“Wait a minute, I’ll check with my partner,” the Aggie said.

After checking with his friend, he returned and said, “Yes, 2*4’s will be okay.”

“How long do you want them?” the clerk asked.

“Wait, I’ll check with my partner,” the Aggie said.

In a few minutes the Aggie returned and said, “We’ll want them a long time. We’re going to build a garage.”

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought Zero Mostel had no first name?

T-SIPPER: I broke my arm in three places.

AGGIE: You ought to stay out of those places.

Did you hear about the Aggie who lost his girl friend?

He forgot where he laid her.

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought “Peter Pan” was something to put under the bed?

Before his first plane ride an Aggie was told that chewing gum would keep his ears from popping during the flight. After finally landing he turned to his seat companion and said, “The chewing gum works fine, but how do I get it out of my ears?”

T-Sipper: What do you think of marijuana?

Aggie: It’s one of the worst border towns I’ve ever seen.

Did you hear about the two Aggies who used to walk abreast?

Wow! What was the second breast doing at that time then?

An Aggie spent a holiday in New Mexico with the Indians who told him the Legend of the Maidens. According to this legend, there are beautiful Indian maidens who live in large caves and crevices, they said. “if you hear them call “woo, woo,” take off you clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time.”

Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read, “Body of Naked Aggie Found in Tunnel, Run over by Train.”

The Aggie came in to work at 11 o’clock and the boss shouted, “You should have been here two hours ago!” The Aggie said, “Why? What happened then?”

And then there’s the Aggie who is so dump he thinks Gatorade is welfare for crocodiles.

The Aggie rushed into the hospital and said, “My buddy has had a bad accident.” The admittance receptionist replied, “Sorry, we don’t have a single bed open.” “Well, how about a double?” the Aggie asked.

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought asphalt was rectum trouble?

An Aggie was taken to play golf for the first time. When he was told to tee off, he ran to the woods.

T-Sipper: I was born under Taurus, the Bull.

Aggie: Boy, I’ll bet he was surprised!

An Aggie was sitting at a baseball game. A foul ball was hit. Someone said, “duck.” The Aggie pulled out a gun and shot it.

T-sipper: Do you need glasses?

Aggie: Only when I drink.

T-Sipper: Do you have any pornography?

Aggie: No. I don’t even have a pornograph.

Teacher: Do you know who built the Ark?

Student: No.

Teacher: Correct.

- Did you know that Jim spoke when he was a very small baby?

- Where does it say that?

- It says, “Jim cursed the day he was born.”

- This oil makes my legs smart.

- Try rubbing it on your head.

- You know I kissed her under mistletoe?

- I wouldn’t kiss her under anaesthetic!

- When are you thinking about getting married?

- Constantly.

- I got an underwater mark on my last test.

- What was it?

- Below C level.

I miss my wife’s cooking… as often as I can.

My wife and I just celebrated our Tin Anniversary - 12 years of eating out of cans.

85!

“The matter is infinite,” exclaimed the surgeon on having lanced he body.

- Dad, you wouldn’t spank me for something I didn’t do?

- Why, of course, not.

- Good! I didn’t do my homework.

- Here is your engagement ring.

- But this diamond is so small!

- You shouldn’t notice that… we are in love and love is blind.

- Not stone blind!

88
What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!

Boeing 747 – an expensive jet.

89
Vinyl records are like women. If you handle it gently, it'll play for you forever. Accidentally scratch once and you're screwed for life.

90
One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.
Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

91
What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ.

92
How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, teachers don't change light bulbs but they can help make a dim one brighter!

What do rocks and women have in common?
You skip the flat ones!

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Bee Jokes for the Pollen in You)

What is the clumsiest insect?

The Bumbling Bee.

What does a bee-husband say when he returns to the hive?

"Honey, I'm Home!"

What is a bee's favorite band?

The Bee Gees.

What was their #1 song?

"Stay in the Hive."

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days, 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answers, "Because the box said 3-6 years!"

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

101
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire."

The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.

102
Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?
Because time will tell.

103
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

104
What does a Barbie Doll and Britney Spears have in common?
They're both 100 percent plastic.

105
In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-creams, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.
A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”
“Shut-up.”
The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for Trouble?”
And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”

The criminals also got inclination to good, namely, the goods belonging to someone else.

The two friends, a doctor and a bank officer, once found out they had one and the same client. “Our bank is very happy to have business with him. He is perfectly sound,” said the bank officer. “Oh, indeed, he is so sound he never falls ill. Soon I’ll go bankrupt!”

Boss: Tomorrow our organization is carrying a conference. You’ll be in charge of the minutes.

Employee: Suppose it would really take me minutes, if hours.

Teacher: Students, what letter usually stands for the sound [w]?

Students: Double you!

Teacher: I certainly wouldn’t like to be doubled.

Q: What for student write their course papers?

A: Oh, it’s clearly seen from the name. The course everything while writing it.

Q: What do you call the tabloids in Great Britain?

A: Broad shits.

Sam: Did you happen to know they have the same name for women and managers in Great Britain?

John: What’s this one?

Sam: Man agers.

In order to be politically correct they introduced the two names for mailmen. Maleman and femalewoman.

Husband: Darling, you won’t ever blame me for not having a job from now. Today I had the interview and I got it. They would even give me a car!

Wife: What are you then?

H: Miner.

Не знайшли потрібну інформацію? Скористайтесь пошуком google:

Генерація сторінки за: 0.053 сек.