Language Varies in Directness

Direct speech communicates your meaning explicitly and leaves little doubt as to the thoughts and feelings you want to convey. Indirect speech, on the other hand, communicates your meaning in a roundabout way. You don't really say what you mean, but you imply it. Indirect messages have both advantages and disadvantages.

One of the advantages of indirect speech is that it allows you to express a desire without insulting or offending anyone; it allows you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, "I'm bored with this group," you say, "It's getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow," or you look at your watch and pretend to be surprised by the time. In this way you state a preference but express it indirectly so as to avoid offending someone. Sometimes indirect messages allow you to ask for compliments in a socially acceptable manner; for example, a person who says, "I was thinking of getting a nose job" may hope to get a response such as "A nose job? You? Your nose is perfect."

Indirect messages can also create problems, however. For example, meanings that are expressed too indirectly may be misunderstood; the other person may simply not grasp your implied meaning. When this happens, you may come to resent the other person for not seeing beneath the surface – and your – self for not being more up-front. Another disadvantage is that you may be seen as manipulative; that is, as trying to get someone to do something without really saying it. For example, you might tell a friend, "I really could use a loan until payday, but I really don't want to ask anyone."

A popular stereotype in the United States holds that women tend to be indirect in making requests and in giving orders. This indirectness is thought to communicate women's powerlessness and discomfort with their own authority. Men, the stereotype continues, generally use direct speech, sometimes to the point of being blunt or rude. This directness communicates power and comfort with one's own authority.

Deborah Tannen (1994b) provides an interesting perspective on these stereotypes. She agrees that women are more indirect in giving orders and are more likely to say, for example, "It would be great if these letters could go out today" rather than "Have these letters out by three." But Tannen argues that "issuing orders indirectly can be the prerogative of those in power" and in no way shows powerlessness. Power, to Tannen, is the ability to choose your own style of communication.

Men, however, are also indirect – but in different situations. According to Tannen men are more likely to use indirectness when they express weakness, reveal a problem, or admit an error. Men are more likely to speak indirectly in expressing emotions other than anger. Men are also more indirect when they refuse expressions of increased romantic intimacy. Men are thus indirect, the theory goes, when they're saying something that goes against the masculine stereotype.

Many Asian and Latin American cultures value indirectness, largely because it enables a person to avoid appearing criticized or contradicted and thereby losing face. A somewhat different kind of indirectness is seen in the greater use of intermediaries to resolve conflict among the Chinese than among North Americans, for example. In most of the United States, you're taught that directness is the preferred style. "Be up-front" and "Tell it like it is" are commonly heard communication guidelines.

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