Nonassertive and Assertive Strategies

Nonassertivenesscan be unproductive because it involves the failure to express your thoughts and feelings in certain or all communication situations. Nonassertive people often fail to assert their rights. In many instances these people do what others tell them to do – parents, employers, and the like – without questioning. They operate with a "you win, I lose" philosophy, giving others what they want without concern for themselves. Nonassertive people often ask permission from others to do what is their perfect right. They are often anxious in social situations and their self-esteem is likely to be low.

Assertivenessmeans acting in your own best interests without denying or infringing on the rights of others. Not surprisingly, assertiveness can be especially helpful in conflict situations. Assertive people operate with an "I win, you win" philosophy; they assume that both parties can gain something from conflict. Assertive people speak their minds and welcome others' doing likewise. Assertive people also tend to be more positive and generally score higher on measures of hopefulness than nonassertive individuals.

Here are a few suggestions to help you communicate more assertively:

• Describe the problem; don't evaluate or judge it: "We both want what's right for the kids, but we haven't gotten together to discuss the problems." Be sure to use I-messages and to avoid messages that accuse or blame the other person.

• State how this problem affects you: "I'm worrying about this during the day

and it's affecting my job."

• Propose solutions that are workable and that allow the person to save face:

"Let's make some time tomorrow to discuss how we want to handle things."

• Confirm understanding: "Would that be okay? Say, about eight?"

Aggressiveness and Argumentativeness

Verbal Aggressiveness

Verbal aggressivenessis an unproductive conflict strategy in which one person tries to win an argment by inflicting psychological pain, by attacking the other person's self-concept.

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