COMMENTARIES OF THE PSYCHOLOGIST

1. Judging by the children I know, vegetarianism seems to be spreading fast among the under-10s. Maybe they’re on to something. About a year ago, my daughter developed an aversion to smoked salmon, for which she’d previously had a passion. A few months later, reports revealed that the smoked-salmon industry had been up to all sorts of misdemeanours and the stuff was now full of dodgy chemicals.

Becoming a vegetarian may be a fad, but at least it’s a healthy one. Vegetarian children are no less healthy than other children and, in later life, tend to enjoy better health than meat-eaters. Make sure your daughter is eating a wide range of food and she’ll grow just fine. She can get all the protein she needs from non-meat sources, such as eggs, cheese and pulses.

As for your friend’s advice that foods must be eaten in certain combinations to make complete proteins, that theory went out of fashion some years ago. For detailed advice on the nutritional requirements of children of different ages, contact the Vegetarian Society (0161 925 2000; www.vegsoc.org). It can also supply you with recipes and a list of good cookery books.

2. Daily life with warring siblings is extremely demoralising, so you may be heartened to learn that you’re not alone with this problem. Siblings under the age of five average four conflicts an hour. Children very close in age and children of the same sex tend to fight the most.

The good news is that fighting now doesn’t mean your sons won’t be close later, but in the short term you need to break the cycle of physical violence, for your children’s sake and your own.

The underlying problem is nearly always jealousy. Your first child was too young to tell you this when his younger brother was born, except through aggression, and this has now become an ingrained habit.

Now he’s older, you can help him out of this habit by encouraging him to put his feelings into words. Next time his temper starts to rise, stay calm and say: “I can see you are very angry about that.”

State the emotion and the cause of it, for example: “You’re furious because he’s got the car you want to play with.” Doing this will show him that you notice how he’s feeling and that you won’t automatically side with his brother. Help both children to think of alternatives to hitting: punching a pillow, thumping the floor, kicking a ball, drawing pictures of what they want to do to each other, rather than actually doing it.

Above all, don’t get drawn into solving their fights for them. It is so distressing for parents to see their children hating each other that our overwhelming impulse is to dash in and separate them.

But in Siblings Without Rivalry, a book I highly recommend, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish advocate the following approach:

1. Stop any actual fighting.

2. Describe how each child is feeling.

3. Sum up the basic cause of the conflict, e.g. two children wanting to play with one toy; one child not doing what the other child wants, etc.

4. Tell them you feel sure they can come up with a solution.

5. Go a little way off and see what happens.

6. Repeat as necessary.

It may not sound much, but it has always worked like a charm with my own children.

You seem to have got into a downward spiral with your first-born. Can you arrange to spend regular time alone with him when he can have your full attention? Make sure he’s still getting plenty of cuddles and praise, not just blame and criticism. Also, boys really do seem to benefit from boisterous games, preferably with you as the “baddie”. It may be the last thing you feel like, but playing with them will help them learn how to play together.

Finally, check what television they are watching. Fast-moving cartoons with lots of fighting and chasing make young children very hyper, so avoid them altogether. Instead, stick to the gentler videos, such as Kipper, Pingu, Brambly Hedge and Bob the Builder

3. Hanging about in town may not seem much cop to you, but you’re too quick to dismiss the idea that it may be important to your daughter. The money’s not key; she simply wants to do what her friends her doing. And it’s hardly a life-threatening activity she’s proposing.

You need to give her a longer rein and to look harder at what you are really objecting to. If it’s the prospect of her growing independence that rattles you - the idea that she’ll be out of range for a few hours - then tell her so.

Agree in advance where she’ll go and not go, whom she’ll be with, what time she’ll be back and which route she’ll take to get home. Safety in numbers is a good rule with girls of this age, so maybe make that an immutable condition of the trip. You could also arrange to pick her and her friends up.

What’s important is that your daughter feels you can trust and respect her to behave sensibly and responsibly. If you don’t give her these initial small opportunities to be independent, how will she ever learn to cope with bigger challenges later on?

4. It sounds as if you and she have got into a negative spiral in which you augment each other’s anxiety. You’re tense because of the struggle you know lies ahead; she picks up on your tension and responds by increasing her demands on your time and attention. You need to break this cycle and establish a new dynamic.

First of all, make sure she’s not eating sweets or having sugary drinks at teatime or afterwards. Television has been found to have a stimulating effect on children, so switch off a good two hours before bedtime, or cut it out altogether in the evening.

Second, to ensure that she stays as calm as possible, you need to be unrushed too. Keep your own body relaxed and make sure your voice remains low and calm. Give advance warning of what’s going to happen, and avoid phrasing sentences as questions (something parents often do in the mistaken belief that it is less confrontational). “Shall we go and have a bath in a moment?” invites the answer “No, mummy, I’ve got 30 beanie babies to get ready for a party.”

Before you get into the bedtime routine proper, help her to relax by putting on some soothing music, sitting together and talking quietly about her day. Sometimes children who get physically agitated at bedtime respond very well to having their hair brushed very slowly and gently (we store a lot of tension in our heads), having their backs or tummies rubbed, or even just having their hand held.

Discuss with her ways to make bedtime easier. Compromise where possible: if she dislikes having a bath, let her wash in the morning. Make bed special, with a lavender pillow, a new duvet cover, or a new bedside light. Check that her bedroom environment isn’t too stimulating: brightly coloured walls and heaps of toys are great for playing, but not conducive to relaxation.

Avoid exciting bedtime stories, and instead go for something like Joyce Dunbar’s Tell Me Something Happy Before I Go To Sleep (Corgi, £4.99). It’s aimed at a slightly younger age group, but children whose minds are working overtime often like to be babied a bit at the end of the day.

You might also consider getting her a tape machine, but make it clear it’s for relaxing music only, and not for story tapes. Walkmans are no good for this purpose because the headphones slip off and the wires could be dangerous. New Age sections of book and music shops often have a good selection of relaxing music. Tapes of dolphin song are said to be great, though I haven’t tried them myself.

Finally, consider the possibility that your daughter simply may not be tired. If so, buy her one of those clip-on reading lights, and let her read. No child, as far as I know, has ever read all night.

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