Force and Talk

When confronted with conflict, many people prefer not to deal with the issues but rather to force their position on the other person. Forcemay be emotional or physical. In either case, it is an unproductive strategy: The issues are avoided and the person who "wins" is merely the combatant who exerts the most force. This is the technique used by warring nations, children, and even some normally sensible and mature adults.

The use of force is surely one of the most serious problems confronting relationships today, although many approach it as if it were a minor – or even humorous – issue. Researchers found that more than 50 percent of both single and married couples reported that they had experienced physical violence in their relationship. If we add symbolic violence (for example, threatening to hit the other person or throwing something), the percentages are above 60 percent for singles and above 70 percent for marrieds. In a study of divorced couples, 70 percent reported at least one episode of violence in their premarital, marital, or postmarital relationship. Violence during marriage was higher than for pre- or postmarital relationships. In another study, 47 percent of a sample of 410 college students reported some experience with violence in a dating relationship. In most cases the violence was reciprocal – each person in the relationship used violence.

The only real alternative to force is talk. Instead of using force, you need to talk and listen. The qualities of empathy, openness, and positiveness, for example, are suitable starting points.

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