“—Well, all right, I’ll come down with you,” sighed Ron, “but I don’t want to eat.”
Harry scrutinised him suspiciously.
“You’ve just eaten half a box of Chocolate Cauldrons, haven’t you?”
“It’s not that,” Ron sighed again. “You… you wouldn’t understand.”
“Fair enough,” said Harry, albeit puzzled, as he turned to open the door.
“Harry!” said Ron suddenly.
“What?”
“Harry, I can’t stand it!”
“You can’t stand what?” asked Harry, now starling to feel definitely alarmed. Ron was rather pale and looked as though he was about to be sick.
“I can’t stop thinking about her!” said Ron hoarsely.
Harry gaped at him. He had not expected this and was not sure he wanted to hear it. Friends they might be, but if Ron started calling Lavender “Lav-Lav”, he would have to put his foot down.
“Why does that stop you having breakfast?” Harry asked, trying to inject a note of common sense into the proceedings.
“I don’t think she knows I exist,” said Ron with a desperate gesture.
“She definitely knows you exist,” said Harry, bewildered. “She keeps snogging you, doesn’t she?”
Ron blinked.
“Who are you talking about?”
“Who are you talking about?” said Harry, with an increasing sense that all reason had dropped out of the conversation.
“Romilda Vane,” said Ron softly, and his whole face seemed to illuminate as he said it, as though hit by a ray of purest sunlight. They stared at each other for almost a whole minute, before Harry said, “This is a joke, right? You’re joking.”
“I think… Harry, I think I love her,” said Ron in a strangled voice.
“OK,” said Harry, walking up to Ron to get a better look at the glazed eyes and the pallid complexion, “OK… say that again with a straight face.”
“I love her,” repeated Ron breathlessly. “Have you seen her hair, it’s all black and shiny and silky… and her eyes? Her big dark eyes? And her—”
“This is really funny and everything,” said Harry impatiently, “but joke’s over, all right? Drop it.”
He turned to leave; he had got two steps towards the door when a crashing blow hit him on the right ear. Staggering, he looked round. Ron’s fist was drawn right back, his face was contorted with rage; he was about to strike again.
Harry reacted instinctively; his wand was out of his pocket and the incantation sprang to mind without conscious thought: Levicorpus!
Ron yelled as his heel was wrenched upwards once more; he dangled helplessly, upside-down, his robes hanging off him.
“What was that for?” Harry bellowed.
“You insulted her, Harry! You said it was a joke!” shouted Ron, who was slowly turning purple in the face as all the blood rushed to his head.