THE CHILD AND OTHERS

(by Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg)

Person number one in the life of any Five-year-old is his mother. He loves her best. He wants to please her most. “My own best mummy” is what he often calls her.

Fives, in spite of all their, do need quite a bit of reassurance from mother. They like her to tell them, and frequently, how much she loves them. So, though they can affirm “I like you and you like me,” they still often question, “Do you love me?”

What mother says is as good as law to them. One kindergartner we know, when criticized by his teacher, replied calmly, “I’m not a bad boy. My Mummy says I’m a good boy.” It is very important to him that his mother should make such a statement.

Fives feel so close to their mothers that they sometimes overestimate her ability to read their minds. They are often quick and a little impatient and don’t always give all the necessary clues as to what they are talking about. Then they tend to be quite angry if she doesn’t pick up on their story at once. It takes a quick wit to be a mother.

And, admittedly, as they move toward Five-and-a- half, if things go wrong, children will sometimes take things out on mother. So, when Beth’s mother came to pick her up one day at kindergarten, Beth greeted her not with her usual shout of joy but with a frown and the proclamation, “I don’t like you.”

Mother, wisely, asked her daughter calmly, “What happened?’ “There was a birthday party and all the other girls were dressed and you made me wear my overalls,” Beth replied.

The fact that Five adores his mother by no means implies that Father is out in the cold. Most Fives are very fond of their fathers, proud of them, and love their company. Fathers do not as a rule receive as much affection from their children but, on the other hand, if the child does have an outburst of temper, it is more likely to be against his mother than his father. And in the insecurity of the night, it is Mother whom he wants most.

Grandparents are extremely important to the Five-year-old. We know how warm and responsive the relationship can be. However, when you ask a Five-year-old about his or her grandparents, he often sounds as if he is more interested in what they give him than in how they feel about him. So, when asked what the best thing about their grandmother is, Fives often say, “She makes us good food and gives us things.”

A Five-year-old’s relationship to his siblings is apt to improve somewhat now. Many Fives play reasonably well with older siblings and tend to be extremely kind and protective to those who are younger. Some girls are regular little mothers to their younger siblings and especially to any baby in the family. It is important to appreciate that their instinct for mothering may exceed their ability to take responsibility. So, a Five-year-old needs to be supervised when holding or caring for a baby.

Five often gets on best with children outside his immediate family, especially children his own age. With his natural desire to please and to have things go smoothly, he is a much easier playmate than he was at Four or than he may be at Six. But even a five-year-old can have trouble at times, and two children tend to play together better than do three.

With older children, the Five-year-old may be quite docile and may for instance even be willing to play the role of a baby when children are playing house.

However, even the friendly Five-year-old sometimes runs into a child with whom he just cannot get along. Whose fault this is not the question. Since Five, with his gentleness and good will, tends to be quite vulnerable socially, he should be protected from the company of an overaggressive or incompatible child.

With strangers or when visiting, a Five-year-old can be a polite and friendly little person. If he is not tired it can be a real pleasure to have him along. In many cases his manners and his stamina are now adequate so that he is no longer a menace on a train or plane, in restaurant or downtown shopping. If plans are made with his tender age in mind, it can often be more fun to have him with you than not.

The child usually likes his teacher very much. But the relationship tends to be less intimate than it was when he was in nursery school, or than it will be later. He does depend on her, when he wants something or for attention, but sometimes complains at home, “The teacher makes me do things.” In general, however, the relationship is a pleasant one. If it is not going well, often having the teacher visit the child’s home helps out a lot. Parents should realize how much this could mean to the child. The visit doesn’t have to be long or formal. We have seen a child’s whole attitude toward school and his teacher improve after even one short visit.

(from “Your Five-year-Old. Sunny and Serene.” Chapter II, pp.12-17)

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