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An extract from «Five green bottles» by Ray Jenkings.

An ordinary household. The play is set in the kitchen which is roomy and has access to the hall and living-room.

The time is that period of rush between 8 and 8.45 on any weekday morning. Gramp is reading the paper. Kevin is eating his toast. The radio is blaring cheery music. Mother’s in the hall – calling upstairs.

(M: Mother, D: David, K: Kevin, G: Gramp)

M: David! It’s eight o’clock. Are you coming down or aren’t you? David!

D: (Upstairs): All right!

M: No “alright” about it! Do you hear me?

D: (Low): Keep your hair on.

M: (Going up a couple of steps): What did you say?

D: I’m combing my hair down.

M: We’ll have less of your lip, my lad. And I’m not calling you again. You’ll be late. And tell that Maureen as well. (Coming down the steps.) Talk about the house of the dead.

D: (Hammering on a door): Maureen!

M: (Shouting): There’s no need to shout!

D: (Singing): Maureen-O!

M: Maureen, you’ll be late. (Pause)

D: She’d died in her sleep.

M: I give up. (She comes back into the kitchen). Nobody can get up in this house – you must get it from your father. If I slept half as much as you lot do there’d be nothing done.

K: The world’d fall to bits.

M: Kevin, get that telescope off the table!

K: I’m looking at tomato cells.

G: This paper’s all creased.

M: Don’t moan, dad!

G: It’s like trying to read an elephant’s kneecap.

M: Why have you left that piece of bacon?

K: It’s all fat.

M: You don’t know what’s good for you – it keeps out the cold.

K: Why don’t they make coats out of it then?

M: That’s enough. And turn that music down for heaven’s sake – you can’ t hear yourself think in a din like that.

K: It’s supposed to make you feel bright and breezy.

M: You must be joking. Turn it off! (The radio is switched off.) Oh, a bit of peace at last!

G: Never had bacon when I went to school. Just bread and jam and a four-mile walk.

K: Aren’t you glad you came to live with us then?

M: Kevin, that’s enough of that. There’s a lot you youngsters today have to be thankful for and a full stomach’s one of them.

G: Just bread and jam and a five-mile walk.

K: Four, you said.

G: It might have been six if you count the hills. Where’s my glasses. I can’t read without my glasses.

K: The cat’s wearing them. J

M: Kevin! Oh, I don’t know. If it’s not one, it’s the other.

G: The words go up and down without them.

M: (Patiently): Where did you have them last, dad?

G: I had them just now.

M: Are you sitting on them?

G: Don’t be daft – why should I sit on them?

M: Stranger things have happened. Get up. Come on, get up.

(Gramp gets up. He’s been sitting on them.) There you are. What did you say?

G: Who put them there, that’s what I’d like to know!

K: (Low): The cat.

M: Do you want any more tea?

K: No, thanks.

G: Look, they’re all twisted. You‘ve got to have a head like a corkscrew to get them on now!

M: (Calling): David! Maureen! I wont tell you again! It’s ten past eight already! (Pause) What were you and David quarrelling about last night?

K: Nothing.

M: Nobody makes a noise like that about nothing. What was it?

K: Nothing. (He gets up)

M: Where’re you going?

K: Get my books.

M: You still haven’t answered my question, young man!

K: It was nothing – honest!

M: Talk about blood from a stone. And take this telescope – I’ve only got one pair of hands. (Letters come through the front door.) There’s the post. (A door slams upstairs.)

D: I’ll get them?

M: Those doors!

K: I’ll get them.

M: No, let David do it – it’ll be one way of getting him downstairs. (David is cascading downstairs.)

K: It’s always him.

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